Doctor Dancer Cancer Feet

I had a few other titles for this post, including


Not Just Mad Dogs and Englishmen

Smoke Gets In Your Eyes

Was It A "Special" Tram Or Something?

Some background to the day. Victoria is currently facing bushfires as bad as any in the last 30 years, and today's predicted to get to 37C in Melbourne (36C on the thermometer on one of the buildings I went past on the train about half an hour ago - I'm not designed for this kind of weather!), and possibly a few degrees hotter up north nearer the firefronts.

I woke up this morning and looked out of the curtains and thought it was foggy. Oh no. Smoke. You can actually smell the burning on the air, and I'm several hundred kilometres south of the main fire areas. The sun was hazed out till about 10 am, and was shining noticeably pinky-orange through the smoke, rather than the usual yellow.

After my fridge was delivered (at last!) I had to go into the city to pick up my suit for the Christmas ball this evening. (I've got a pretty good picture on my phone of the city centre covered in smoky haze - it was pretty eerie walking around town this morning.) And that's where the fun started. I've been chatting recently with one of my friends about how I've enjoyed the people-watching since I've been getting the trams to and from work. It appears the most ... interesting people save their tram tickets for the weekends...

Firstly, an old lady got on the tram just in front of me. She sat in the "reserved for disabled or elderly people" seat near the front, just next to another lady. I didn't really see either of them, but could overhear their conversation. It starts with the not-old lady.

NL : "Having a good day?"
OL : "Yes, but it's very hot."
NL : "I know. 37 it's supposed to get to."
OL : "And you can see the smoke in the sky."
NL : "Do you live round here?"
OL : "Yes, I do - for nearly 40 years."
NL : "Do you want the name of a good doctor?"
OL : "I already have one, thanks."
NL : "This one's really good though. Not a professional, but really good."
OL : "Oh, OK, thanks."
NL : " No problem. See you around."

...and she got off the tram. The abruptness of the departure made it sound like all she was doing was waiting until she'd "sold" this doctor's name to OL, and then her work there was done - off to find another victim!

So, with that distraction gone, I could turn my attention to another person - the hip-hopping semi-naked dancer man over the far side of the tram. He had one iPod earbud in and was bopping away like he was in a club and had had several too many Es - all the while sitting down! - and then he engaged someone sat near him in a very one-sided conversation. He sounded very very drunk (it was about 11.30am) to the extent that I couldn't understand most of what he was saying - the one clear bit was when he realised it was nearly his stop, leapt to his feet shouting "Driver, driver, let me off!," forgot to brace himself as the tram slowed down and hurtled to the front slamming into the wall behind the driver's seat. As we pulled away again, I could see him dancing his way across the street towards some poor unsuspecting pedestrians!

Then it was my turn to be accosted. "Don't mind me mate I'll try not to disturb you I'm going to the hospital I've got cancer you see all over you can tell just by looking at me can't you I've spent too long smoking and drinking and it's going to get me this time just look I'll take my cap off you can see the scars there can't you I don't think I'm going to last much longer..." (it appeared he said all this in one breath, hence the lack of punctuation!)

Wasn't really sure what to say. I was saved by someone else getting on and sitting down on the seat over the aisle - he moved on to her, "Merry Christmas love how's your day been mine's awful I'm on my way to the hospital I've got cancer you see and I think it's going to be my last visit..." She made the mistake of reacting - "Oh my father has cancer too. Do you know the way to Alexander Avenue?" Oops - this started another exhalation-slash-verbal-torrent where, as far as I could tell, the guy listed every tram line and every suburb in Melbourne as possible destinations for the next tram she should take. He then gave her his cap, and tried to offer her a T-shirt as well ("It's brand new you can tell look it's one from a school and it's got the graduation year on it look 2006 that's how you can tell it's brand new no-one's ever worn it and I'm never going to now...")

He got off at the next stop. Something I'd considered doing, but as it's the same stop as for work, I had some psychological misgivings about doing so!

The rest of the tram ride was pretty average - except for the unrelenting heat - until I got off at my stop in the city centre. "Ahhh, I've been dying to get here and off that bloody tram. My feet are burning up." {splashing sound} I turned around, to find a man sitting on the pavement taking his left shoe off (right one was already lying on the ground next to him) after which he proceeded to pour some of his bottled water over his left foot, clearly, by the puddle in which he was nearly sitting, something he'd already done with his other foot.

There are some odd people here.

In other news, I now own a pair of kangaroo-leather shoes, I was very pleased to learn that shoe sizes are one body measurement I don't have to carry round two versions of in my head (they use the UK size system here), and when buying the shoes, the salesman unexpectedly said "Oh bugger." Not that I mind, but I keep forgetting that swearing has a much lower impoliteness score over here!